he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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