Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
