I should be sponsored by Trojan
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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