my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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