i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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