he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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