69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize