ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
