Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
