I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
