I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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