my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
