just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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