Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
