I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
