i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
