I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
