i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize