My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
