tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
this hospital has no fireball
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
