just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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