that's an acceptable place to lick
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Randomize
