i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
