U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
