My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
