watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
