I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
