I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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