i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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