just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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