dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
