i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize