Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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