I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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