Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
