Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
