Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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