I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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