I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
