Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Is it because I queefed?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize
