Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
