If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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