Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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