Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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