I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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