Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
