my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize