Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize