bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
