what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
