i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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