It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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