..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
