Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
