Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
