guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
cat food counts as protein by the way
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
