just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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