I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
