What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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